The Post with my idea I'm formulating
I've not updated for a few days because of general laziness. Well that and I've been waiting for the Vanity Fair website to come back up so I can see the picture of Hannah Montana that are apparently causing the world to stop. I can't believe the fuss people are putting up over this. It's insane. Then I read that the Vanity Fair website had over 4 million hits the day the pictures went up which caused the site to crash. Insanity.

I guess if the issue is the sexualization of a minor than I can see the outrage, but all the heat is coming down on Miley. They've been bashing her in the media and saying, "She needs to apologize to her fans," or "She made the wrong choice." Of course she did- she's 15 fucking years old. How many people can say every decision they made at 15 was sound and the right decision? Just because she is a multi-millionaire doesn't mean she is exempt from stumbling. It'd be cool if the media- and people in gneral- weren't looking to tear her, or anyone other starlet, down at the first chance. How could any young girl want to get in the business? I guess all the cash blinds you that much. And no I wasn't looking for the pictures. I'm not that sick.

Anyway- sorry for the rant. On to the original point of the post.

So I was sitting at Red Hills the other night (which I guess has become my de facto stomping ground) and surveying the bar scene. I think I'm gradually becoming more comfortable at the whole thing which is nice, cause I'm getting back to where I used to be. Finally, I know.

So anyway, I've had this idea for a while. I watch a lot of movies. Probably way more than is healthy for any one person to watch. Lots of movies have those goofy scenes where a guy tries to pick up a girl in a bar. Lots of those scenes garner the reaction of, "I wonder if that would work in real life."I often thought about writing a book (or at the very least a freelance article) where you attempt these pick-up moments and then study the responses and come up with the ones that ultimately work. The first mission is trying to remember a bunch of these scenes. Two immeadiately jump to mind.

- In the movie Hitch, Will Smith walks up to Eva Mendes and puts money in her hand and places a drink order. She doesn't work for the club so she follows him and says, "I don't work here." He says, "I needed a way to get you out of the crowd."

- In the movie Derailed, Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston spend time at the bar flirting when he bets her 20 dollars he can kiss her without ever touching her lips. She takes him up on the bet. He lays 20 on the bar and then kisses her right on the lips and says, "Best 20 dollars I ever spent."


The first one I think has a shot at working. You'd have to pull it off in the right place at the right time but it's not entirely out there.

The second one I think gets you slapped. Possibly hit with a sexual assault charge in the wrong circumstance. The problem with that one is it would require a lot of work and a lot of alcohol. Also you would need to be comfortable with kissing a total stranger in front of a bunch of people at the bar. That requires guts. It also requires you to be prepared to lose 20 dollars.

I need to keep thinking about more movie scenes like this so I can formulate my thoughts. Feel free to throw me any situation you think of from a film.
- posted by Brian @ 4/30/2008 01:11:00 PM

 
The Post with the news you can't use
Dateline- Kirksville, Missouri

http://www.kirksvilledailyexpress.com/articles/2008/04/24/news/news2.txt

- Could you imagine if a scheme like this could actually work? I'm impressed there was someone working for Wal-Mart that was smart enough to figure out the bar code was most likely wrong

Dateline- Albuquerque, New Mexico

http://www.knbc.com/news/15980498/detail.html

- All the secretaries at my school wanted to give me was some threatening message via the principal. Fee crack would've been welcomed.

Dateline- East Palatka, Florida

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/topstories/news-article.aspx?storyid=107669

- There is no smart ass comment to be made for this. It's actually a pretty genius haul. They should've hit a car wash though. Lots of money in those generic air freshener machines.

Dateline- Manatee, Florida

http://www.bradenton.com/local/story/553646.html

- Such a dumb story. A kid who by the prinicpal's admission, "is a good kid," gets suspended for a mohawk. Nothing like creating a problem child.

Dateline- Maury County, Tennessee

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/23/national/main4039732.shtml?source=mostpop_story

- Whatever happened to just good ol' fashioned sex? How can anyone get off on the whole: tie me up, then go bang a nother dude deal. I don't get it
- posted by Brian @ 4/25/2008 01:01:00 PM

 
The Post with some sports stuff
Great couple sports days for Philadelphia fans.

The Sixers steal a game from the Pistons in Game 1 of the NBA playoffs. The Sixers played the Pistons tough all year so it isn't as big an upset as the announcers or NBA experts try to make it sound.

The FLyers finally finished off the Washington Capitals in OT last night to face the Candians. What's funny is the amount of Caps fans I've read in teh past couple hours complaining ad naseum about the officiating in the game. First off, Kapanen's goal was not the fault of goalie interference. The Caps guy was checked and he went inot his goalie and the goalie went down like he was shot. Not the Flyers fault about that.

The refs did an excellent job calling the game and let a slash go, and a tripping penalty before they called the Caps for a second trip. Exactly how many blatant penalties should they let go?

And the Phillies are starting to click a little bit which included two great come from behind wins against the Colorado Rockies.

Great time to be a sports fan in the area.
- posted by Brian @ 4/23/2008 02:30:00 PM

 
The post with a funny note regarding tonight
CNN.com- along with numerous other sites- report that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain have all filmed short segments that will air on WWE Monday Night Raw live on USA starting at 8 pm as they present The King of the Ring tournament.

That shouldn't amuse me as much as it should. But rumor is Obama says, "If you smell what the Barack is cooking."

Again- shouldn't amuse me as much as it does.
- posted by Brian @ 4/21/2008 02:39:00 PM

 
The Post with this week's News
News you Can't Use (which those bastards at Morning Joe lifted from me. They're lucky I enjoy their program.) is back. Hopefully teachers everywhere- I'm looking at you Florida- are leaving students alone.


Dateline- Port St. Lucie, Florida

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/apr/18/weight-watcher-demonstrator-accused-shoplifting-cu/

- Probably not the best spokesperson for the product. Weight Watchers- makes you so hungry you'll steal food. She then stole whitening strips as well. I suppose so when she talks with the people from Weight Watchers she won't have chocolate remains in her teets?

Dateline- Mechanicsville, Virginia

http://www.styleweekly.com/article.asp?idarticle=16791

- Pretty sure this is not what Southern sympthaziers are talking about when they say "The South will rise again." Poor Robert E. Lee, bad enough he screwed up slavery now he is reduced to masturbating above changing stalls. Also "masturbatorium" is the greatest word ever.

Dateline- Tulsa, OK

http://www.newson6.com/Global/story.asp?S=8177758&nav=menu682_2

- The most disturbing part of this story- why the hell would you wait for an hour at a fast food place for food? It's called FAST FOOD. An hour- not very fast.

Dateline- Cedarburg, Wisconsin

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=740464

- I'm pretty sure the "I looked up porn to make sure my students couldn't defense won't work." Just a hunch- but I bet it doesn't work.

Dateline- Everett, Mass

http://news.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1087954

- Words do this no justice. Just a baffling story
- posted by Brian @ 4/18/2008 01:50:00 PM

 
The Post with Random thoughts
- I watched a majority of the Democratic debate last night on ABC. Not sure why, because this particular debate doesn't affect me greatly. (Before you get on my case you should know I'm not ignoring my civic duty to vote. I'm a registered Republican and am therefore not able to cast a vote in the Democratic primary. And before you get on my case yes I'm registered Republican but I consider myself a free agent voter. I just had every intention of voting for John McCain as the Republican nominee in 2000 but that went bye bye.)

It was one of the most poorly moderated debates I've ever seen. Charles Gibson and George Stephanolopus (sp?) were the equivalent of gossipy high school girls in their question asking. Then they acted like 8 year old kids in the backseat of a long car ride, constantly repeating their question until the candidates answered. Plus the whole back and forth format doesn't really lend itself to healthy debate and it spirals into "he said, she said."

Outside of that though it was an interesting debate. Obama did his best to deflect criticisms and constantly said, "This si the type of politics I'm looking to move past." Hillary did her best to just try and flip on the questions. For a great write-up check out this report from Slate.com http://www.slate.com/id/2189273/

I would agree with the writer that Hillary won, but it was close. The thing is though- if you are looking for fresh ideas in the White House Obama has to be your candidate despite how well he does in the debates. I still hold I don't think Hillary can beat McCain in the general election but I don't think McCain can beat Obama.

For my Pennsylvania friends- April 22nd get out and vote. And for my friends elsewhere I hope you did/do your duty and vote.
- posted by Brian @ 4/17/2008 02:05:00 PM

 
The Post with me back after a week away
Boy have I been lazy in here. Combination of things- anger, depression, and being busy.

The bad news- I didn't get the promotion at work I put in for. They interviewed me and I got the dreaded "We've decided to pick someone else e-mail." It's a shame becasue I really wanted to work with the people in that department and I really liked the job they described. Maybe I didn't convey that well. It upset me greatly for various reasons I won't mention here, but I've told some people.

Some positive news off it is my hours will get bumped up a half hour which is nice. Also it gave me a reason to start looking at other avenues.

Anyway though it's been a good couple weeks. Last Saturday got a bunch of minor car repair work done and then went out bar hopping with an old friend from high school. It was great hanging out and catching up. Gonna be doing it again soon.

This past Friday I went to Red Hills for 80's night. Man is that a study in human behavior. First you have the 40 year old women trying their best to look 18. Some pull it off better than others. Then you get the crazy people who dance. There was this one cool couple who came and were doing the stereotypical 80's dancing. The guy was wearing a Judas Priest jacket and the girl had her hair done up like- well fromt he 80's- and was dancing just like an 80's video. It was really funny to watch.

Then you get the people who go out and get ripped and throw up in places (seriously how gross is that)

Fun times. Also, I noticed two groups of girls checking out my buddy and I which was interesting.

Almost forgot about the two kids that came up to me and were saying random things then ended with saying, "Have fun, smoke lots of pot." They were dressed like 90's style suburban wannabe gangster douchebags.

Saturday I did some stuff around the house and was using my Versa Tube Trainer. It's those tube things bodybuilders use where you stand on them and then pull the handles to work muscle groups. It feels like you're doing nothing so I did about 500 of the one activity. Monday I could barely lift my arms above my shoulders.

That was helped though by softball on Sunday which got under way with us goofing around and practicing. I absolutely tattooed a few pitches. I'm looking to hit one over the fence this year at a field. Good thing I added the muscle.


That is everything that is going on. I'll be back soon
- posted by Brian @ 4/16/2008 02:23:00 PM

 
The Post with me discussing the best movie you've probably never seen
Two weeks ago I was dropping my excitement when my buddy Matthias hit me with news of an event going on out west to celebrate one of the best movies ever. And by best I mean completely, utterly ridiculous.



When I was like 12 I watched this movie at my grandmom's house on HBO and it was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Seriously.



Fast forward ten years later to a bunch of people sitting around the Communications lab at Millersville University discussing bad movies. Matthias hit me with his nominee (Plan 9 I believe). there were afew other submissions. Then it hit me- this movie I'd watched 10 years ago and I offered that one up. A week later I rented the video and presented my nominee. The sheer goofiness of it won over the room.



Fast forward again 2 years later and I'm walking through Wal-Mart on a Friday night right before Halloween and stop to see what horror movies they have in their display for purchase. To my surprise sat the movie (along with it's better prior movie) for 5 dollars. I snapped up two- it looked like the only two ever sold of that dvd- and later that night I asked Matthias for his address. A few days later he was in possession of this glorious piece of filmwork. I pull the movie out from time to time for a good laugh. That movie.



TROLL 2



I know I won't do it justice by this post- mainly because I'm rushing, but also becasue I could explain everything to you and you would think I was over-dramatizing it all. I can assure you I'm not.



The story begins with the ghost of a boy's dead grandfather telling him the story of goblins who live in our world and turn humans into plant food so they can be eaten. Already you can see the road we're travelling here. Also notice we are discussing "goblins" and not trolls like the mvie would suggest.



The masks these goblins are wearing look roughly on par with the same mask a kid would have for Halloween. Half the time I was expecting them to yell "Trick or Treat" when they encountered someone. Also their spears look more like sticks with a rock attached to the end.



After this we learn that our family has agreed to some kind of weird home swapping vacation with another family from the town of Nilbog- more on that later.



So they switch homes and something already seems weird because there is a hot meal waiting on the table and the milk in the fridge smells spoiled. Also the town of Nilbog holds secret meetings where they surround the little kid and threaten him until the dad intervenes. The townspeople act evil to the kid becasue he has stumbled upon their little secret. He did so as he sat in the family car and looked into the side mirror. What is that deadly secret you ask?

The town is called NILBOG.

N-I-L-B-O-G. Now when the kid looks at it in the rearview mirror he sees the true meaning of NILBOG.

G-0-B-L-I-N. NILBOG is GOBLIN spelled backwards. This realiazation is accompanied by appropriately dramatic, cheesy music.

Somewhere in here we are treated to what might be the greatest 5-10 minute sequence ever put on film.

The family walks into their home and there is a fully cooked hot meal waiting for them on the table. The little kid walks in and sees his family sitting down to dinner. The grandfather ghost shows up and says, "If they eat this it will kill them all." Then he somehow freezes time for the kid to hatch a plan.

I'll say that again. The grandfather- who is dead, and appearing as a ghost- now has the ability to stop time.

Seriously. Bring the real world to a grinding halt.

Yikes.

The kid however can not think of a plan and the family is almost ready to unfreeze.

Think of your own plan for this as I briefly touch on two questions about this

(Apparently the ability to freeze time does not also give you the ability to control the amount of time that the world is frozen. Side problem on this. Is the whole world frozen or just this particular room? Also are electrical appliances bound by this freezing of time? Say the grandfather froze them for like 12 hours- would they still think it was 7 pm when they were unfrozen even though it was now 7 am outside? These are the questions that intrigue me.)

Anyway. The kid finally lands on a plan. A plan that is so perfect and devilish that it's amazing he didn't think of it right away. Most would maybe throw the food away. Or throw it on the floor. This kid though does the only logical thing.

He stand on the table, drops his pants, and proceeds to urinate all over the food. Yep. To stop his family from eating food that will kill them- he pees on it.

The family unfreezes and is appalled at what the kid is doing. The dad grabs him and drags him into his bedroom to show him some handwritten signs from the family they exchanged houses with. That leads to this exchange.

"Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"

Maybe that's the moral of this whole story. It's actually a pretty good life lesson. Don't piss on hospitality. Not exactly sure when you'd use it, but it's a good lesson.

Oh but we're not done yet.

See the dad is still pissed off about having his dinner ruined so he starts undoing his belt. Little kid is worried about thsi so he asks what any normal kid would.

"What are you going to do to me, Daddy?"

"Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua. You wanna get rough with me? You wanna show me that you don't like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike? Well, I'll accept the challenge. But just remember when I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. We'll se who gets through this, but just remember I've got more practice than you. I'll see you tomorrow."

And scene.

I'm surprised I've not worn this spot out on the dvd yet from the amount of times I have watched it. To be honest as well I don't remember much of the movie after this because this part just so spectacularly overshadows the whole thing.

While all this is going on, the older sister's boyfriend has set out in an RV with his buddies to have sex with her and they encounter a witch in the woods who controls all the goblins from this cabin. The acting from her is way over the top and her cabin gradually gets bigger as we go back to those scenes. It started outhouse sized and by the end is a Beverly Hills mansion. I've yet to determine if the actress playing this role knows this movie was going to be bad and was hamming it up as much as possible or whether she was that bad. If it's the latter I hope she never found work ever again.

Actually I hope none of these people never got work again because the acting is awful. The most awful one of the bunch is the older sister. She sounds like an android the way she O-VER E-NUNC-I-ATES- EV-ERY SIN- GLE- FUCK-ING LI-NE OF DI-A-LO-GUE. What's worse is she teaches an acting class according to her IMDB page. Who in their right mind would ever go to that?

It would be hard to pull off good acting with the script they were given but they take a bad script and somehow make it worse. That's not easy to do. I would say the acting is porn level bad but that would be an insult to porn actors everywhere. In my porn watching time- I've found it more believable when some woman tries to convince her son's best friend that noone is coming home for an hour, than these idiots trying to act like they are scared for their lives. I've seen high school plays with better acting.

I've often thought the script was written by someone whose primary language is not English. Considering the film was put together by a mostly Italian film crew I would imagine that is part of the issue.

For example, early in the film, Grandpa describes the nature of the goblins saying that they exhibited a "veracity that has no equal on Earth". The writer, I believe, wishes to suggest that the goblins are ferocious or hungry but chooses a word that means truthful. Yes the goblins have a "truthfulness that has no equal on Earth." This after we've seen them disguise themselves as a princess with some really nasty looking freckles to trick a prince so they can eat him. Truthfulness is not their best character trait.

Perhaps ferocity or voracity would have been more appropriate. Of course, the actor may have just said the wrong word or the word was misspelled in the script and he learned it that way. Regardless, if you have a fairly decent vocabulary, you’ll likely have a good time catching all the goofs.

As a matter of fact, if you play a drinking game where you drank everytime someone uses a word incorrectly or pronounces something wrong; I think somewhere around the halfway mark your liver would explode from your body like the cork on a champagne bottle.

I almost forgot the icing on the cake with this movie. They must of thought this might be a hit because the ending sets up a sequel. The sheer cockiness involved in that is stunning. This director was like, "We got a hit boys. No need to wrap it up nicely. We need to leave a sequel open so we can delve further into the story of Nilbog."

In the end though- I still love this movie. The goofiness in it is just laugh-inducing for almost the entirety of its 90 minute running time. If this were intended to be a comedy then it is maybe the best one ever made. Sadly it wanted to be a scary movie which means it is an EPIC FAIL in that regard.

I implore all of you this Halloween to scan the local Wal-Mart. Drop the 5 dollars on this film. Hell if it's 10 dollars drop that on it. This movie will bring you entertainment that is well worth whatever little amount of cash you drop on it. And really saying everything I have doesn't ruin anything because I'm sure some of you still doubt me that a movie could be this ridiculous. You need to see the craziness for yourself.
- posted by Brian @ 4/08/2008 02:03:00 PM

 
The Post with this week's news
Missed yesterday because I was busy. So here I am.

Dateline- Northern Michigan

http://www.tv7-4.com/news/news_story.aspx?id=116920

- Usually it's smart to tell someone you're going to rob them before you do. I would think that's like rule #1 in the Bank Robbing for Dummies book.

Dateline- Tampa, Florida

http://blogs.tampabay.com/breakingnews/2008/04/teacher-offered.html

- I'm adding that to my pick-up line book, 'Hey baby. I can't help but notice you're a little shy. Want me to cure you of that."

Another good looking girl sleeping with a 14 year old. I continue to be dismayed by this turn of events.

Dateline- London (I think)

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23480540-5001021,00.html

- So wait. A firetruck (government regulated) is fined, so the government can collect the speeding ticket, or the person can elect to get a government appointed lawyer to fight it.

Basically- the defendant and the plaintiff are both the government. They can sue themselves?

Dateline- Not sure

http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_21347.aspx

- This needs to be one of those Guiness commercials where those paper guys are dancing around and then yell, "Brilliant." But don't cut the cow in half.

Dateline- Troy, New York

http://www.timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp?storyID=677430&newsdate=4/4/2008

- Is there some kind of pheromone that is only emitted within th boundaries of a school zone. Seriously, like when you pass a blinking yellow light for school speed limit does something just signal in your head that there are 14 year old students here ripe for sex? I want an answer to this.

Dateline- Boulder, Colorado

http://dailycamera.com/news/2008/apr/03/man-suspected-crashing-memorial/?lol

- Really bad timing man
- posted by Brian @ 4/04/2008 01:47:00 PM

 
The Post with some odds and ends stuff
Ok so Monday I blogged about the last in-ring night of Ric Flair and how it was the perfect ending. Well on Monday night at the end of Raw they gave us the sequel.

And it blew away Sunday night. They had Flair come out and address the crowd and then brought out a bunch of friends, and opponents from the past and the present to hug Ric and share some tears with him. Then at the end the entire locker room emptied and they stood on the entrance way applauding him while the crowd chanted, "Thank you Ric." Just a perfect ending to his career.

Check it out here while you still can:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oniNpuWdksA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0JUkDJ8KcE



Also perfect is the fact that baseball has started again. Not so perfect is the way Tom Gordon has decided to start the season. Maybe he'll be fine once he's back as the set-up guy but he is toast. He maybe has a really good half year left in him. That's it. The offense looks as good as ever, although Double Play Feliz is already troubling. Good news for the Phillies is Mets starter Pedro Martinez went down already last night and will miss a few starts. Also hamstring injuries linger so that won't go away anytime soon.

For those wondering I'm very close in my mission I've been undertaking as of late. It's trying sometimes but I'm looking to keep pushing forward.

I think that's it..Tomorrow I'll hit you with the news. And there definitely won't be any stories about third grade students trying to torture their teacher..Awful
- posted by Brian @ 4/02/2008 02:07:00 PM