A True Jackass
Think You've Got It Bad? You Could Be Matt Starr
Chances Are Wife Forced Him to Give That Foul Ball to Kid
By JIM ARMSTRONG, AOL Exclusive



The Mrs. on your case this week, bubba? She hid your flip channel, made you pick up your socks and had a headache every night? You don't know how good you've got it. You could be Matt Starr.

Starr, for those who don't have cable, is the 200-something-pound lout who belly flopped over a row of seats at a Rangers-Cardinals game in Arlington, Texas to steal a foul ball from a 4-year-old kid. And you thought the Pistons versus the Lakers was a mismatch.

Part of this is understandable, of course. Intelligent, rational people have been known to do stupid, irrational things when presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to rip their pants, scrape their elbows and spill their $6 beers, all for the thrill of snagging a $4 baseball.

People have fallen from the upper deck trying to snag foul balls. Men in $700 suits have gotten into shoving matches over them. Some even risk shark attacks by sitting in inflatable rafts beyond the right-field wall in San Francisco.

Remember when Barry Bonds hit his 600th home run? World War III erupted in the bleachers. Two of the survivors, the one mugged after catching the ball and the one who came away with it, wound up going to court and splitting the proceeds from the sale. After paying their lawyers, rumor has it they walked away with just enough to buy a ticket to the next day's game.

Then there's Steve Bartman. The heretofore most infamous fan in baseball history may have cost the Cubs their first shot at a World Series since the stone age. But at least he was tussling with another grown man for the ball. He didn't put a full nelson on a recent graduate from potty-training school.

Pleading temporary insanity with a ball coming your way is one thing.

Stuff happens in the stands at baseball games, especially when a guy starts mistaking his bottle of SPF30 for another brewski. It's what happened after he secured his treasure that got Starr in trouble.

He kept it, wouldn't give it up, leaving young Nick O'Brien with two empty hands and one ticked-off mother. At least she got to swat Starr with her program. Which reminds me: Where's Bonds when you need him?

Starr was showered with boos and catcalls, including one from Rangers TV analyst Tom Grieve, who called him ''the biggest jerk in this park,'' but refused to surrender his holy grail. Cardinals outfielder Reggie Sanders gave the kid a bat and ball, and others followed, but Starr held firm. No siree, bub. No way, Jose. No snot-nosed punk was going to get that four-buck ball away from him, not after he made a complete fool out of himself on TV to get it.

By the end of the game, young Nick had accumulated two bats and four balls, including one signed by Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan. Our man Matt? He was long gone, having left the yard with, according to reports, ''an unidentified woman.''

Later, it was reported that Starr is a married 28-year-old landscaper and -- no really, I'm not making this up -- a former youth minister. The key word here is married, as in the unidentified woman. At least I'm assuming it was his wife. If it wasn't, mugging some kid to snag a foul ball is the least of his problems.

I'm thinking life in the Starr household hasn't exactly been wine and roses for the past few days. By Wednesday, the Rangers' front office announced that Starr had reconsidered and wanted to return the ball and buy the O'Brien's tickets to a future game. He even promised not to sit near them.

Why the change of heart? If you're married, I don't have to tell you. Repeat after me, boys: If mama isn't happy, nobody's happy.

In announcing Starr's generous gesture, a few free tickets in exchange for scaring a little kid half to death, a Rangers spokesman said ''He doesn't want any more publicity about this. He's hoping this will bring some sort of closure.''

OK, case closed. We're officially off the guy's case. But then, it's not us he has to worry about.


- posted by Brian @ 6/17/2004 05:54:00 PM

 
A Brian Original
A backstory first:

There is this girl at the fitness center I have illicit thoughts about. Not that I'd act on them just a girl you see and think man, (Thoughts edited)......Well one day I was picking Armour Hot DOgs for an order at work when I thought of the theme song. Then I thought of the Oscar Meyer theme song so then I wrote a song about fitness center girl.


"I want to bang the girl at the fitness center,
The one talking to her sister there this week,
I think I'd like to fuck her sister also,
At the same time preferable---e-----e"


Consider yourself privilaged
- posted by Brian @ 6/17/2004 05:51:00 PM

 
Something that bothers me a little
Lately a couple of people have noticed my slight weight loss (like 10 pounds. You can hardly tell though. Me losing weight is like turning on a floodlight at high noon.) So people come up and say "Man you really look good." That upsets me. See to say that implies I didn't look good before. The correct phrase would be, "Man you look better." Cause that says, you looked good, but now you look better than that. It sounds silly but try it out a couple times and see how you like it. It gets easier with time.

That's all
- posted by Brian @ 6/05/2004 06:14:00 PM

 
A Farewell..............
This past episode of The Sopranos saw the demise of my favorite character on the show Adriana. See she was the girlfriend of Christopher, the second in charge behind Tony in the New Jersey mob. A year ago she was approached by the FBI and given the option of wearing a wire and taking down Christopher or standing by her man. She stood by him. Then she tried to help cover up a murder at the club she worked at and the fed's brought her in saying bring Christopher and she can get free. Christopher though it over and then after seeing a domesticated family (with the husband looking haggard and run down) she got a call that Chris tried to committ suicide and Silvio was coming to take her to him. Silvio drove her into the woods, called her a "fucking cunt" and shot her three times as she tried to crawl away. Drea de Matteo played her as a loving, neurotic, and devotional woman to the man she loved. Matteo is also extremely hot and was a reason to tune in every week as they usually found a way to put her in a tight outfit or just the old bra and panties. With her departure there will be no more cries of "Christopha", no more talk of her IBS, and hopefully no more reasons for Chris to stay loyal to Tony. I'll miss her (mainly cause I have a thing for full blooded Italian girls) but she will be found Thursday nights in the Friends spinoff JOEY...........Good luck with that.


- posted by Brian @ 6/05/2004 05:47:00 PM