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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
A message from the offices of Brian Hansley Inc.
Two quick things here after Friday night:
1. I would like to reiterate--I hate dice games (yes Yahtzee is included). No good comes from them and they support communism.
2. I still am enamored with Drew Barrymore..
Carry on
Monday, July 19, 2004
The Hansely Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Review of Shrek 2
(There are two bonus things after this review so stay with it afterwards)
For years Disney owned the animation front. With their deal with Pixar (which recently fell apart) Disney stayed on the cutting edge when hand-drawn animation faded and moved into computer animation. With Toy Story, Monsters Inc., Toy Story 2, and A Bug's Life- Disney had a stronghold on it- then Fox released Ice Age which bit into Disney's empire and then Dreamworks (led by Disney cast-off Jeff Katzenberg) kicked the door wide open with their film Shrek. A few years Dreamworks, (fresh off another Disney hit in Finding Nemo) enter the ring again with Shrek 2, an extremely effective counterpunch to Dinsey's Nemo.
As the film begins we see Shrek and Princess Fiona on their honeymoon and it is prat-filled which is what we've come to expect. They return home to Shrek's swamp where they find Donkey singing Eric Carmen songs and lamenting over the trouble he's been having with the dragon. Soon Shrek and Fiona are invited to the Land of Far Far Away (a hilarious send-up of Hollywood) to meet Fiona's parents.
When they arrive the town is excited to see Fiona upon her return- until they see what she has become and the creature she has brought home. A hilarious scene begins where both couples are walking towards each other with the men being less than excited to meet each other while the women try to be the voice of reason. It's hilarious because one sentence ends where the others sentence begins so the scenes are intercut together becoming more rapid as it moves. Very clever. John Cleese and Julie Andrews do fabulous jobs as the the new additions to the voice cast and bring years of acting experience to these different roles and pull it off beautifully.
Later the Fairy Godmother (voiced by the delightfully over-the top Jennifer Saunders) is mortified as to the husband her woman has taken and threatens bodily harm to the King for going against their plan. The Fairy Godmother is like a Mob Boss in trying to manipulate everything so her son Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) of course can marry the Princess and take over the Land. Do I need to tell you using the Fairy Godmother as the villian is ingenious? Didn't think so.
The King enters the woods to visit the fictional villian's bar where Captain Hook plays piano for the likes of the Headless Horseman among others. He hires the greatest fighter of all to try to kill Shrek---Sr. Puss in Boots. I'll stop there so as not to go to in depth into everything.
What's good about this film?...Just about everything. Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, and Eddie Murphy again provide depth and heart to this story which is like a animated version of Meet the Parents. Murphy again brings the goods and for gods sake---STICK TO ANIMATED FILMS!!!!.......However, all the regulars are upstaged by Antonio Banderas doing an unflappable send-up of himself in just about every film especially The Mask of Zorro. (I did like the special cameo voice for the Ugly Stepsister) Gingerbread Man and Pinocchio make great cameos at the end and it was nice to see them used again. The plot has some great twists and turns (more than the first one) and most of all it won't be a let-down to people who liked the first one, the only thing you can ask of a sequel. Will it hold up over time? Probably not as well as the first one but it is still a throughly entertaining film.
Before I review my friend Karen (who I saw the film with) said she felt the company I was with should warrant an extra cup in the review--and she's right--however I did miss the Twenty (Hey I'd rather watch mini featurettes on tv and movies than listen to Eric Benet sing his new songs) so that deducts said cup which leaves me where I was before I started so it all works out 3 1/2 Cups out of 4 for Shrek 2
Bonus #1--A lot has been said about how the part was originally written for Chris Farley and if it'd be him instead of Mike Myers in the part it wouldn't be as good. I think that's the absolute wrong opinion. Shrek is written as a lovable loser who may not be perfect but in his own little world thinks he is, or at least strives to be. Farley excelled at parts like that on SNL and in his movies (especially Tommy Boy). It would've been a slightly different take on the character but he wouldn't have ruined it....
Bonus #2- As many of you know I have an extensive knowledge of films and useless pop culture in general so I kept spotting the many spoofs and homages in the film here are some of the ones I caught, when I look it up online I'll find any ones I didn't see originally)---I will just mention the film you need to figure out the reference or cheat and ask me what it is.
Ghostbusters
This is Spinal Tap
Blazing Saddles
Sanford and Son
E.T.
Spiderman
Alien
Seinfeld
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Cops
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
The Fabulous Baker Boys
The Seven Year Itch
Flashdance
The Beverly Hillbillies
(Did I miss any??)
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
An Official Message from the office of Brian Hansley Inc.
My constituents:
It has come to my attention that VH1 is using this week for a celebration entitled I Love the 90's. I implore you all to follow my lead and boycott VH1 for the duration of the week in protest of this special. It is way to soon to be fondly remembering years where I formed my self. Also it is the same people remembering the decade that remembered the 70's and 80's. By waiting until at least 2010 it would allow some of the people who are teenagers now or early 20's relive the decade where they grew up. That is what makes the show
An Official Message from the office of Brian Hansley Inc.
My constituents:
It has come to my attention that VH1 is using this week for a celebration entitled I Love the 90's. I implore you all to follow my lead and boycott VH1 for the duration of the week in protest of this special. It is way to soon to be fondly remembering years where I formed my self. Also it is the same people remembering the decade that remembered the 70's and 80's. By waiting until at least 2010 it would allow some of the people who are teenagers now or early 20's relive the decade where they grew up. That is what makes the show funny. Also Brian protests the show because he wanted to be a celebrity to discuss everything from M.C.Hammer to Forrest Gump to Seinfeld (Although the rumor is 1990 completely leaves out The Simpsons).
So in closing: Screw VH1 this week and boycott them until 12:01 July 18th.
Thank you
I'm Brian Hansley and I approve this message
Monday, July 12, 2004
The Hansley Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Review of Spiderman 2
(First a note about my review methods---My favorite snack during movies are Reese's Peanut Butter Cups so everything is scaled on 4 peanut butter cups (the amount found in a king size pack----4 is the best)
In May of 2002 comic book movies were forever changed. There had been far to many misses than hits leading up to that point and although X-Men had started rolling the ball in a positive direction again it took the release of Sam Raimi's Spiderman to firmly move the momentum to the positive side. The movie was helped because it was obviously helmed by people who enjoyed comic books and read them frequently (always a help). With some backward momentum (Daredevil and The Hulk) the genre was in need of a shot in the arm, Raimi again has provided it.
At the beginnning of the movie we are shown Spidey's alter ego Peter Parker trying to balance "normal" life with his extra-curricular activities. He is failing miserably. Mary Jane, who is obviously in love with him, is tired of Peter not committing to her, and his best friend is still enraged about Spiderman "killing" his dad and is mad that his friend, who photographs Spiderman for the paper won't reveal his identity. Peter is behind in his school work and tells his professor he is planning on writing a paper about the work of Dr. Otto Octavius. Parker and the Doc meet and are mutually respectful of each other. The Doc has a press conference to unveil his fusion device and all hell breaks loose leading to his mind being overrun by the contraption attatched to his body.
Meanwhile Peter gives up on being Spiderman and throws his clothes away (in a scene that is ripped right out of the comic book----Amazing Spiderman #50 I believe but I'm no expert. Eventually Spiderman is brought back into the mix and he must fight to save the city from Doc Ock.
So what works in this film....Tobey Maguire again shows why he is one of the more respected young actors in Hollywood. He gives Spiderman and Parker layers upon layers of depth until you actually feel a part of him sitting in the theater. His original casting was met with nervousness from movie fans but now, I can't imagine anyone but him playing the part. Alfred Molina was a great casting choice as Doc Ock and he works well like he usually does in the role.
Many of the action scenes are top notch again. The train scene is a nice fight scene and has a very touching ending and shocking part in the middle (many people in the theater kind of gasped at one point thinking it would ruin Spiderman. The best scene however was Doc Ock and Spiderman playing ping pong with Aunt May. By the time the scene ended I was smiling from ear to ear.
There were plenty of nods to the 60's cartoon which were a nice touch and the teases in the last 15 minutes towards what could happen later in the series were nice (Will we see Man-Wolf? The Lizard? a return of the Goblin, or some form of him?)...Raimi's directing recalled some of his earlier work (The chainsaw shot reminded me of something in Evil Dead)
And last but not least JK Simmons again owned as J Jonah Jameson. He stole all of his scenes, cracked me up and nailed the character to the damn wall! Talk about perfect casting! This can't be the same guy that was on Oz and Law & Order.
On the downside the story focused too much on the "love story" between Peter and Mary without dredging any new ground from the first one. This made the movie drag a little for me because it was deja vu. The subplot with the Russian chick next door was bizarre in that it didin't seem to serve a discernable purpose and went nowhere (if she is a future villain possibly someone fill me in). Lastly I forgot for minutes at a time that Doc Ock was the villain in this movie. How can you cast someone as phenomenal as Molina in the role and then not give him enough material to flesh the role out. That bugs me a lot becasue that is part of what makes a good comic book. You need the villain, you need to despise the villain, and if he isn't given enough to do it creates a Who cares? attitude with the viewer. The Green Goblin was an inferior to Doc Ock but they gave the awesome Dafoe plenty of opportunity to pad the character. Why no love for Molina?
So I'm torn--I enjoyed the film but I didn't think it balanced everything as well as the first one did. The action scenes were better, but some of the character development was non-exsistant. While the first Spiderman was a solid 3 1/2 Peanut Butter Cups for me this one didn't quite reach that mark so I'll give it 3 Cups out of 4 and say please give the villain more time in the next film.
Bonus reviews---------- I review the trailers before the movie.
I, Robot
I am more excited by this movie the more I see of it, and think it is a great concept. It came off the pen of Issac Asminov so how can't it be? In the year 2035 robots start killing people and an evil computer man may or may not be behind it. May sound cheesy but Will Smith has rarely missteped with the big budget summer picture and thedirector also did The Crow and the vastly underrated Dark City----------3 Cups
The Bourne Supremacy
I don't try to hide my totally heterosexual love for Matt Damon and was pleasantly surprised when I saw his Bourne Identity years ago. It was a wonderful little action flick buried in the summer and was the most rented movie of 2003 so figure that. Jason Bourne is again being trailed and staying one step ahead of eveyone and there are more minutes for Julia Stiles--------------3 1/4 cups
Catwoman
Halle Berry is truly trying to kill any positive momentum she has had since winning the Oscar's. Not only that but the film strays for the DC Comics storylines for Catwoman which will kill it with the diehards....Awful----------------------0 Cups
The Village
Shyamalan is at it again. Moody looking set pieces. Movie trailers that give little to nothing away. Monsters are apparently after the inhabitants of a small village and the color red helps the villagers. There is some bad buzz on the internet about this film but I'll give M. Night the benefit of the doubt---------2 1/2 cups
Collateral
I don't really like Tom Crusie and him playing a hard ass hit man doesn't work for me. Jamie Foxx plays a cab driver who realizes the man in the back seat is a contract killer. It is nice to see Foxx getting some high profile parts and it has a great director but Crusie will bring it down.--------------1 1/2 cups
ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID
Who decided a sequel to Anaconda would be a good idea? Although the trailer made it look far more interesting than the original. Still though.--------------------1/2 cup
Christmas with the Cranks
Tim Allen's movie career is starting to come along and this movie looks hilarious. Him and wife Jamie Lee Curtis always go all out for decorating at the holiday and one year decide to go to a tropical island so they battle with the neighbors who try to get them to put up the usual. Looks hilarious-----------------------------3 cups
Coming Soon Hansley reviews
Club Dread
Miracle
Along Came Polly
Intolerable Cruelty
Shrek 2
Saturday, July 10, 2004
The List
Matthias pointed me to an article that detailed 50 bad rockers by respected artists.....so here it is copied for you
50 worst songs of great rockers.
By Palm Beach Post Staff Writers
Sunday, July 4, 2004
In the Ghetto, Elvis Presley: No rock genre lends itself to campiness and mockery more than the too-sincere social commentary. And The King made the mother of all overblown, well-meaning anthems with this melodramatic tale of an ill-fated "poor little baby child." In three neat verses, child is born, becomes a gun-toting, car-stealing hooligan and gets fatally shot by the Fuzz. What's worse: Elvis over-emoting ("And his Mam-a criees") or the whiff of out-of-touch condescension?
— Leslie Gray Streeter
Yesterday, The Beatles: There are essentially three types of Beatles songs: the early, innocent fare (I Want to Hold Your Hand), the later, sophisticated stuff (think A Day in the Life) and Yesterday. The sappiness is here, there and everywhere: in the trite lyrics ("love was such an easy game to play"), in the yearning vocals, in the string-laden arrangement. Talk about your silly love songs. Hey, didn't McCartney write that one, too?
— Charles Passy
Wiggle, Wiggle, Bob Dylan: The worst song on Dylan's worst album (Under the Red Sky). Sample lyric: "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a bowl of soup." Also: "Wiggle 'til you vomit fire." So it's not a kids' song, and nor is it spontaneously, charmingly weird. It's not even one of his incomprehensible yet possibly deep songs. It's just icky.
— Rachel Sauer
Angie, The Rolling Stones: Mick Jagger sings the whole song in a way that suggests someone's stepping on his fingers, than compounds the awfulness by whispering: "Angie, Aiiiin-jehhhhhh . . . " Plus, it's paced like a dirge. No wonder she left.
— R.S.
Blinded by the Light, Bruce Springsteen: Before The Boss found his inner Jersey, he was trying to be Bob Dylan. Not the Bob Dylan of Highway 61 Revisited, unfortunately, but the Bob Dylan of Wiggle, Wiggle. That's the only explanation for lyrics such as "Little Earlie-Purlie came by in his curlie-wurlie and asked me if I needed a ride." This song sounded better when people thought the line about a "deuce" was really about a French hygiene product.
— Larry Aydlette
Who's Zoomin' Who?, Aretha Franklin: Good rule of thumb: Avoid slang in song titles. What was the Queen of Soul thinking when she recorded 1985's Who's Zoomin' Who? It's hard to gauge just how bad this song is: Is it terrible on its own or just in comparison to the rest of Franklin's songs? Answers: Yes and yes.
— Christa Nieminen
Hello, I Love You, The Doors: An unusually large pimple on the band's library of hits, this song contains what has to be the cheesiest pick-up line ever muttered by a rock god ("Hello, I love you/ let me jump in your game"). And let's not forget the mind-numbing organ and monotonous bass. Yes, I think it's actually inducing a bad trip, without the help of any acid.
— Kristen Bergman Morales
Shiny Happy People, R.E.M.: The alternative music legends' feel-good duet with The B-52s' Kate Pierson is so syrupy sweet that it is torturously annoying even on the first listen. (And don't get me started on that version with the Muppets.) At least in later interviews, Michael Stipe and company admit this is not their most stellar moment.
— Jon Glass
Numb, U2: Don't you love it when Bono doesn't sing? Didn't think so. This song on Zooropa basically consists of The Edge monotonously rapping over a very slight instrumental track. Yes, the Edge rapping. At the time, people probably enjoyed the avant-garde-ness of it all, but really, it's just kind of stupid.
— Jonathan Tully
You Are Not Alone, Michael Jackson: Here's a mystery Nancy Drew couldn't solve. Why was this piece of confectionery overkill a No. 1 song? It is the polar opposite of what is so energetic and catchy about Jackson's early music. No trace of Rock With You or Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough. Not even a remnant of Billie Jean. Just a down-tempo ballad — bordering on creepy — with the lyric "But you are not alone/ For I am here with you" repeated enough times to make you wish you were alone.
— C.N.
Easy Skanking, Bob Marley: From the author of Redemption Song and Stir It Up (and Kinky Reggae, but, well, he's forgiven) comes . . . the pot head anthem! "Excuse me while I light my spliff, oh God I gotta take a lift from reality I just can't drift, that's why I am staying with this riff." Yes, staying with it on and on and on. And on. Until you co-opt his munchies and eat a whole bag of Doritos, just for the welcome oblivion.
— R.S.
My Ding-A-Ling, Chuck Berry: I know Chuck's trying to be all double-entendre-ish in this ode to a childhood toy that just happens to have the same name as . . . well . . . This is the kind of thing rowdy 6th-grade boys sing to gross out the girls at the bus stop. And I don't need to be reminded of that again.
— L.G.S.
Diamonds and Pearls, Prince: Right now, it's good to be Prince. But I'd like to go back to 1991, when his Royal Badness released this tepid, lazily written ditty of lurve. Can you explain why the genius who penned the brilliant line "I guess I should have known from the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last" was reduced to pap like "If I gave you diamonds and pearls, would you be a happy boy or a girl"? Ugh! It makes me cranky!
— L.G.S.
Something in the Way, Nirvana: There's nothing stellar about Kurt Cobain's lyrics, unless, of course, you're a fan of having the title of the song drilled into your head over and over again. Or unless you're fond of Kurt's musings about eating fish and living under a tarp.
— K.B.M.
Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, Aerosmith: Aerosmith is one of those bands you admire for its longevity, for its steadfast approach to rock, for recording a Diane Warren song. What? Yes, a cheesy, attached-to-a-stupid-movie, heavy-on-the-strings Diane Warren song. Only one thing to say: Yecch.
— J.T.
Student Demonstration Time, The Beach Boys: In the '70s, lead singer Mike Love, in one of the band's unsuccessful efforts to get its hip card punched, dreamed up this campus anti-war song and set it to the music of Leiber and Stoller's Riot In Cell Block No. 9. Love name-checks all the fashionable protest spots like surf breaks — Berkeley, Jackson State, People's Park. And can you imagine that nasal voice of his singing that the four Kent State victims "earned a new degree/ The Bachelor of Bullets." All of a sudden, "Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya" is sounding a lot better.
— L.A.
Living in America, James Brown: The fact that it is July 4th does not excuse this song. The fact that Mr. Brown is not exactly celebrated for his lyrical genius, but more for his unbridled enthusiasm, does not excuse this song. In fact, when considering the red-white-and-blue-adorned cheerleaders associated with the video, nothing excuses this song.
— C.N.
Ego Tripping Out, Marvin Gaye: The anti-Let's Get It On. On this disco-era track, the troubled soulman brags about being the "greatest in the bed" in a drawn-out, seven-minute schizophrenic duet with his spiritual side. At least the title is truthful.
— J.G.
Squeezebox, The Who: Is there anything worse than a weak double entendre about an accordion? I think not.
— J.T.
Part-Time Lover, Stevie Wonder: It's a close call for Mr. Wonder's worst song: I Just Called to Say I Love You and Part-time Lover are neck-and-neck. Though I Just Called to Say I Love You is a solid entry, I'll see your '80s keyboards and raise you the tired cliche of yet another song about an affair: "We are undercover passion on the run/ Chasing love up against the sun/ We are strangers by day, lovers by night/ Knowing it's so wrong, but feeling so right." Ick.
— C.N.
Songbird, Fleetwood Mac: Sure, it would be easy to trash one of Stevie Nicks' ponderous, shawl-swirling, incense-heavy Rhiannon-Sara songs. We don't know what they mean, but she's a poet in her heart, ya know? But the one song that brings the Mac's brilliant Rumours album to a crashing halt is this middle-of-the-road Christine McVie schmaltz-a-thon about a songbird that keeps singing . . . and singing . . . and singing. OK, we know the score. Stevie, all is forgiven!
— L.A.
Mother, The Police: 1983's Synchronicity is an album with great songs (King of Pain, Wrapped Around Your Finger, the awesome Murder by Numbers) and decent numbers (Tea in the Sahara, Synchronicity I) — and then there's Mother. Basically, it's Andy Summers warbling, "Is that my mother on the phone?" over and over. Hang up.
— J.T.
D'yer Mak'er, Led Zeppelin: Robert Plant steps over the line from cool to gross.
—R.S.
Tequila Sunrise, The Eagles: "It's another tequila sunrise and . . . " Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Happens every time.
— L.A.
Someone Like You, Van Morrison: Van The Man's Have I Told You Lately is one of the most nakedly honest love songs ever written. So he decided to make it again! Unfortunately, it turned out to be this boring photo negative. Plus, they named an Ashley Judd movie after it, never a good sign.
— L.G.S.
Fitter Happier, Radiohead: OK, OK, I know the "song" is actually a computer telling us about the emotional deadness that comes as we head toward a perfect society. But c'mon, when that freaky computer voice starts talking, you quietly, sheepishly, move ahead to the next song. It's OK to admit it. Fitter Happier is the one computer glitch on OK Computer.
— K.B.M.
Crocodile Rock, Elton John: Elton John, piano god, is a delightful eccentric who sings delightfully accessible songs, catchy and spirited. But Crocodile Rock is a little too catchy — especially when you've heard it for the 32nd time on your local adult contemporary radio station.
— C.N.
How To Be Dumb, Elvis Costello: Elvis really hit the bitter mother lode with this overbearingly scathing slap at former bass player Bruce Thomas. Elvis goes straight past clever sniping into a full-blown tirade ("Trapped in the House of the Perpetual Sucker/ where bitterness always ends so pitifully/ You always had to dress up your envy in some half-remembered philosophy"). Open ugliness usually makes the writer look worse than his target.
— L.G.S.
We Are The Clash, The Clash: Punk music's own pioneers try to recapture their raw-sounding glory days but end up sounding like a parody band on this self-gratifying anthem.
— J.G.
Trans, Neil Young: In the early 1980s, the always iconoclastic Young decided he'd like to try some new musical styles. But electronic music was beyond him. He used a vocoder to record a few of the tracks — as a result, the lyrics are really hard to follow. That might be a plus.
— J.T.
Ebony and Ivory, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder: "Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony, side by side . . . " ARGHHH! No more, no more, I'll talk! I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!
— L.A.
Now some of these I'll agree with (Ebony and Ivory) but come on "In the Ghetto" "Tequila SUnrise" "Squeezebox"..............Even their "worst" song is better than 90% of what's on the radio nowadays.
BTW That Lohan picture did work at once and it was awesome I'll try to find it again
Joy
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday ole BH
Happy birthday to me
Yikes!!!!!!!!
Sunday, July 04, 2004
The new Hollywood party girl
I just wanted an excuse to post this picture I found
Good Lord Lindsay Lohan
Finally..................
I know it has been forever since I posted in here and I am sorry for that. It's just that nothing exciting has been going on. So a recap. I visited some friends at Millersville a couple weeks ago and had a good time hanging out with them. I plan to do it again as soon as I can (provided they want me). I am working on the T-Shirts.
Then last weekend my dog ran away on Friday night so I spent most of the night awake waiting for him to return which he did at 5 am, soaked and cold and looking for forgiveness. Of course I forgave him--how can you not? It was weird that I woke up from a nightmare and decided to look outside and there he stood at the clothesline. Saturday night I went to see Dierks Bentley at some fair then went to the campground my parents were at. It was little sleep that night too so the weekend was anything but relaxing.
Then this weekend I returned to the races on Saturday night where I lost money on some bets and then I had a picnic today at 1 that I just returned from. I didn't drink however because I have been sick for the past few days. Not sick- but just not feeling myself. I feel lethargic and have a terrible sore throat (I can hardly swallow anything).........Awful.....hopefully it goes away.
Tomorrow I have a day off from work and I need it. Things continue to suck ass on the work front. I send oout more resumes and get more rejection letters in return. It bites cause it makes you feel like you wasted 4 years trying to better your position. Its not that I'm blaming everything else. I can put some blame on myself cause I studied something that is best done in big cities which is not for me but nothing has worked for me yet. It wouldn't bother me so much but with my 23rd birthday rapidly approaching (July 11th) for those that care I figured I'd be somewhere half decent by then. Meanwhile I work freezing my ass off everyday and becoming more and more miserable to be around. Thank god I have a friend to work with or I'd go fucking nuts and probably shoot up a gas station.
That is all before the post becomes bitter and hateful.....I'll have some more updates in the future as there are some movies I've written reviews for that can be posted but that will come later....This will have to do for now
