Dawn of the Dead review
Back in 1978 George Romero did the unthinkable. He made a sequel that actually improved upon its predecessor when he made Dawn of the Dead. Shot in Monroeville, Pennsylvania- the story focused on a group of people who being faced with a legion of the walking undead take refuge in a local mall trying to hold onto the last vestiges of their previous lives. Dawn of the Dead is widely considered to be the best zombie movie ever made and watching the 2 hour+ masterpiece can lead anyone to that conclusion. It is layered, and has tons of subtexture to it, and is Romero at his grotesque best.

When word got out on the Internet that Hollywood was planning a "re-imagining" of the film it led many horror buffs to cringe. I was among them. When I went to see the re-imagining of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (a film that was kinda ruined by the new movie) I saw the first teaser for this film and I started to get excited. Then as the commercials started rolling in I was reaching a fever pitch about seeing it.

Last night I went to see the movie and it lived up to every single one of my expectations. Director Zack Snyder, a commercial director doing his first major film hits one out of the park. The first ten minutes (which were shown on USA) sets the mood and tempo of the film nicely as we see suburbia being completely fucked up with fires and chaos galore. Ana ( played wonderfully by Sarah Polley) is collapsing under this pressure and eventually smashes into a tree before the credits roll giving us footage of zombies taking over the world.

Once inside the mall the fun begins. There are ample amounts of human drama as new characters are introduced and the lines between good and evil get drawn. We also get some of the philosophical drama that the first one brought us as the delicate issue of isolating certain people is discussed. I don't want to give away too mcuh so we'll stop there and talk about the technical stuff.

Snyder's film has a beautiful artistic quality to it as he switches between amber hues and shots that look grainy enough to be taken from the original. Being as he was a former commerical director there is a shot in the first ten mintues that looks right out of a car ad but it works well in the scene. The tension is high when it needs to be and Snyder knows many of the tendencies of the genre, it is easy to spot who will be the first victim of the plague that we see. Also Snyder has plenty of sly nods to the first one that will help appease fans of the original.

The one thing I didn't like was- There were too many damn charactes. They were doing a great job of defining the original group and then added about 7 more and many of them were just fodder for storyline advancement or to be put on the chopping block. (The scene reminicisant of an execution still sticks in my mind). PLus the story isn't as layered as the original but the same premise is still there.

The one thing that helps this movie out is something far too often overlooked in films--THE MUSIC. The music is haunting, mood-setting, and humorous all at once. There is a wide variety of everything to make all fans happy. Stereophonics to Johnny Cash to Richard Cheese to muzak versions of songs. Have fun trying to figure out what the songs are. The score is great as well.

In the end there is something for everyone in the film. For fans afraid of horror films it is really low key in this film. It is there at times but the horror is derived more from the situation- Perfect America is under seige. There is plenty of humor in the film although it is less situational then the original. There are two parts that will make you laugh out loud. Plus the best relationship in the whole film involved two people that aren't in the same vicintiy as each other. For the guys there is some slight nudity but in a film this good it really isn't needed. And don't worry the main girls are quite cute. Plus any film that has Ving Rhames being Ving Rhames gets an A+ in my book. And for fans of the original there is enough to not disappoint them. And make sure you stay through the entire ending credits sequence.

I was originally worried but after seeing the film I had nothing to worry about. This film is about as good as anything could get without blatantly copying the original. I highly recommend the film ------------------------------A
- posted by Brian @ 3/24/2004 07:52:00 PM

 
I will never die at the Ville
My buddy Zach sent me this message over the internet the other day. Man I hope this story is true and not made up:


ZachS10: so im sitting in film class yesterday with lauren and vance and jen galz and mitch groff and this is a pretty big class...well we were watching a movie, but the projector thing wasnt workin right so the prof called for help...well in walks the guy that used to work in hash and he has a tape with him...he puts the tape in to test it out and what pops up on the big screen but a close up shot of you in this ridiculous mullet wig haha...the entire glass died it was so funny.


OH MAN -------------------I LOVE IT
- posted by Brian @ 3/24/2004 09:58:00 AM

 
GREAT MOMENTS IN HANSLEY HISTORY
A little differnet spin this time around, as I'll finsih up the previous two parter next time.
See this week The Vet in Philly was imploded and all day on Sports Radio Friday they were taking peoples memories at the old ballpark. So here is mine.
My friend James, my brother, and I went to see a Phillies-Marlins game 3 years ago. We got there early so we could try and get some home run batting practice balls (I got a home run hit by Pat Burrell). Well with everyone yelling the Marins players were trying to throw stuff to the fans. Eventually they decided they had thrown enough in our direction so they started ignoring our section. So the three of us started yelling at the Marlins players. "You bums! That's why your team sucks." "You'll never get into first place with that attitude." along with some more choice phrases. The Marlins players started screaming back at us and the language got a little more colorful with some drunk fans joining in. As I looked around expecting to see parents covering their kids ears in horror, I saw people laughing and having a good time. So relieved I felt the need to continue the onslaught. Moving my location towards the pitchers I began screaming again. "You suck Alfonseca" Antonio Alfonseca turned towards me and started yelling well Alfonseca looks like Fred Sanford from Sanford & Son so I felt obliged to do my impression of Sanford. This pissed Alfonseca off to no end and he began screaming in Latin at me. The best part was though his teammates behind him hiding their laughs with their gloves. Finally as fans piled in James yelled, "Have fun picking splinters outta your ass" to them and we found our seats. Only us could get into a verbal sparring match with baseball players.
- posted by Brian @ 3/21/2004 06:21:00 PM

 
2 Little Jokes
A recent study has found a link between oral sex and mouth cancer........The study was immeadiately endorsed by EVERY GIRL I'VE EVER KNOWN.


A one-arm man on a golf course in Florida this week hit his third hole-in-one in the past year. Wow he must be a great golfer---I wonder what his handicap is?
- posted by Brian @ 3/15/2004 06:30:00 PM

 
My Life is Complete
Yes you read that correctly.....So let me explain.....Many know I'm into wrestling. I get a weekly newsletter called Pro Wrestling Torch printed by Wade Keller. It is really sweet and I read the webiste every day since I'm allowed to access special sections others can't. This week when reading Entertainment Weekly I saw some mentions of this coming Sunday's Wrestlemania XX so I sent in a news tip to the Torch and today in the afternoon update it appeared..Need proof?

-Wrestlemania XX got two mentions this week in Entertainment Weekly magazine. The first is a four page ad in the middle of the magazine placed between Oscar coverage sections. The first page reads, "Twenty Monumental Years"...When you open it up there is a timeline of WrestleMania's with a highlight from each one. Some of the choices are curious to say the least i.e. (1999 Vinny Pazienza raises Butterbean's arm after his victory)... The backpage has the logo with the tagline, "Where it all begins...Again" Then in the What to Watch section they list the, "Mania of Wrestlemania" special on Friday night and mention Wrestlemania XX is this coming Sunday. [Thanks to Torch VIP/Newsletter subscriber Brian Hansley]

Yes my name appeared on the Torch website today....My shitty day just got slightly better
- posted by Brian @ 3/12/2004 08:19:00 PM

 
House of the Dead review
Some movies are just so bad that they deserve to be reviewed. Thus we look at Uwe Boll's major motion picture debut, "House of the Dead"

The stroy starts off cool enough with a man sitting and pondering what has happened saying if he hadn't got his friends to come along with him they'd all be alive yet. Good so now we can figure everyone will die but this guy. Way to destroy the actual building of a storyline guys. So bad start here.

Then we meet 5 "college-age kids" who are looking to go off to some remote island for the "Party of the Century" I use the quotes around college age cause these people are obviously in their mid to late 20's. They pay off a sea captain to take them out there and conviently he is a smuggler who is being pursued by the coast guard. They try to get him to not leave the dock but he does anyway and the coast guard purses---I guess.

See throughout the journey on the boat at random times a woman's voice will be heard talking. It wasn't til like the third time this happened that I realized it was the coast guard lady talking. So good plot device there guys.

Now zombies are dead right? Well these zombies are swimming under water and then come up out of the water and take a huge breath. If something is dead- IT DOESN'T BREATHE. I mean seriously.

Also this "Party of the Century" is about 20 people on an island with a dj and a volleyball court. I've had bigger family get-togethers. .

So when this group on the boat arrive at the island they find it deserted and decide to go walking into the woods looking for help. They find a house---and the thing is slightly bigger than a shack, but more on that later........They walk back to the island and then ask the guy what he is smuggling in convulated plot device #1..His answer is:
A. Drugs............B. Money..................C. Cigars.............D. Guns...........If you answered D.....move to Hollywood now and find the production company that produced this garbage cause you'll get hired.

Now these are no normal guns--they are semi-automatic assault rifles...which leads to this conversation.

Captain: I got my So 46......

Big-Chested heroine: Mine is better an AK-47.....(OK no offense but I've never met a girl that could pick that gun out of a line-up let alone know where it places on a gun hierarchy. Hell I probably couldn't do it.........

Coast Guard lady: Do you know how to use it?

Big-Chested Heroine: No, but I'll do my best......

Of course everyone is marksmen when it comes to shooting zombies as they decide to mow the zombies down as they move to hunker down in the house.....THE HOUSE WHERE THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING FROM!!!!!!!!!!..........They settle in the house and find the lab where the Spanish bad guy had been mutating human blood to create zombies. (There's a semi back story here---but forget about it).....As luck would have it there are about 10 barrels of gunpowder in the one room so the one kid decides to stay behind and blow the zombies up as his buddies duck into the catacomb below the house. He blows the room up...causing zero damage to the tunnel running below the room.....No crumbling rocks or dirt or anything.....It should also be noted that since House of the Dead is based on a video game when someone is about to die the camera freezes, spins around them matrix style, and then the screen turns red......Also when the zombies attack it splices in footage from the videogame instead of showing the actual killing. OY VEY!!!!!!

Also after about 3 explosions in the house...it is barely affected. I want the person who designed and built that thing to build my house.....It's indestructible

Then at the end the AMS come to the island to rescue the surviving dude (the one from the beginning) and his dead girlfriend although it is implied that he injected some of the blood into her so she'd live forever....He says his last name is Curien---which is the last name of the bad guy in the videogame......A fact that they never point out in any way during the film....They describe it as a prequel to the game and hint at there possibly being a sequel in the works. Oh man...I can hardly wait......

The acting is horrible (worse than soap opera)...the directing isn't very good.....the effects are obvious (when the one zombie leaps at a guy you can make out the springboard he jumps from)...the dialogue is putrid.....at least 4 times this discssion was had.

Someone: What the hell were those things?
Someone else: I think they were zombies

Well christ you came to that conclusion like 4 times already.....

There is plenty of nudity for you hetero guys but good luck seeing that since you'll be fighting off sleepiness the whole time..

We'll call it a 0 out of 5 stars film and end with that...

At all costs- avoid House of the Dead
- posted by Brian @ 3/11/2004 07:21:00 PM

 
I believe I can get parole

- posted by Brian @ 3/07/2004 07:44:00 PM

 
I hate to say I told you so.....
For all the dopes who told me all the time that sucking on pennies would help you beat a breath test from the police..The guys on Mythbusters just tested that and nothing repeat....NOTHING can beat the breath test.


So there
- posted by Brian @ 3/07/2004 07:04:00 PM

 
GREAT MOMENTS IN HANSLEY HISTORY
Here at the Brian Hansley Blog we strive for original content at all costs. With the advent and continuing success of reality television (plus the new Chappelle Show feature with Charlie Murphy sharing his stories "I'm Rick James bitch!!") Brian felt why can't he get in on the action of sharing his stories and being glorified or villified depending on the story. Besides many may ask themselves what makes Brian tick? Why is he such a jackass? Why does he always feel superior to each other? We look to answer those and many more questions with a.....


GREAT MOMENT IN HANSLEY HISTORY

My buddy James and I had Environmental Science in 12th grade together in 7th period.....The teacher for the class was named Mr. Thomas but he looked like Bull from Night Court (The big tall bald guy). For a few weeks James and I had goofed around goading Thomas into thinking we didn't take the class very seriously (and for the record we really didn't). In fact for Christmas we wrote a song that was pretty much mocking in tone and you could tell Thomas knew it (despite telling us he enjoyed the song. So one day when we had lab--which meant 7th and 8th periods were locked up...In between periods James and I would venture into the hallways to hang out with some of our friends. One day we ere hanging with Ben Kehs and Colin Horn when we got the bright idea that Colin should walk past the door and yell "Bull." So he did and Mr. Thomas tore out after him but couldn't find him. Failing to yell at Colin, Thomas walked back into the room and laid into James and I saying, "I know you two have your buddy that I see out there yukking it up." Again I had to surpress giggles. He eventually calmed down and proceeded to part two of the lab and there was an air of uncertainty...We knew it would probably get worse and a week alter it would......TO BE CONTINUED next week when we present another.....


GREAT MOMENT IN HANSLEY HISTORY


- posted by Brian @ 3/07/2004 05:42:00 PM

 
Adam and Eve on a rack and rake 'em
I love that The Three Stooges are on Sunday mornings now so I can watch them. They should really be on tv more often.

Bonus points to anyone who can tell me what breakfast order the title of today's entry is


As many know I love baseball.....I'm crazy about the game as it is America's pasttime and is really the thinking persons game. A lot has been made lately of steroids in baseball and many are showing how ignorant they are by arguing their various points. Gene Orza a representative of Major League Baseball said steroids are no different than cigarettes. Really???? I seem to think they are. See steroids are performance enhancing. Many have said that the advent of bigger offensive numbers is in part due to soe of the biggest names doing steroids. That's probably true. Look at it this way Babe Ruth set the record for home runs in a season by hitting 60. It took like 40 years for someone to beat that record when Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961......It stood until 1998 when Mark McGwire hit 70....That same year Sammy Sosa hit 60 some...So two guys in one year hit 60 home runs something no one could do for periods of 40 and then 27 years....Then 3 years later Barry Bonds hit 73 and 4 people hit 50+...Sammy Sosa had 4 consecutive seasons of 60+ home runs and not one of those years did he lead the league in home runs.....So after a total of 67 years of trying for people to hit 60+ home runs......Approximately 10 players could hit those kind of numbers.....Seem strange to anyone else.......Now there is proof that Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, and Jeremy Giambi took steroids....Here's what I'm tying to say in pictures


Jason Giambi in 1994




Jason Giambi in 2003





The forearms maybe can grow that much with regular weightlifting.....but when your jaw grows about 4 sizes in that amount of time you're inviting questions------Just saying
- posted by Brian @ 3/07/2004 04:42:00 PM

 
Another Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody
A little Sam Cooke always sets the mood properly for any occasion. A rare (at least lately anyways) night in for me so I watched Bruce Almighty (not great....Jim Carrey kinda peaked for me with Man on the Moon....and has slowly slid backward since then....I blame the Academy for not just nominating him for a damn trophy Truman Show and Man on the Moon were both very worthy)...then I flipped around the television watching some various shows until now.

I had a $20 gift card to Movie Gallery so I bought Cabin Fever...I really like that film.

Last night I saw a commerical for Dawn of the Dead that made me want to see it that much more....If you see it it's the one where it says about afternoon, evening, then DAWN................THE DEAD WILL RISE MARCH 19TH......and on March 15th between 10 and 10:30 pm USA will show the first 10 minutes of the movie unedited----SWEET

i shot a man in reno, just to watch him die-------that lyric is running through my head for some reason.

Darkness tickets sold out in 2 minutes....not going now DAMN.

Not a terrible week by any means but not great hence nothing really interesting to say....Church tomorrow early (it's communion) so bed now...and a new moment tomorrow..It's the first of a two parter


- posted by Brian @ 3/06/2004 08:44:00 PM

 
I want Cartoons on DVD
I need to vent a little but first some observations from this past weekend:

This weekend I was home alone with my dog Buddy which meant it was my job to take him out when he wanted to get up in the morning. It's not a problem (well it was like 6:00 am on Saturday morning) so I took him out. The problem when i came back in was I'm so used to going to sleep while watchign tv that I need white noise to sleep so I flipped through the channels tryign to find something to listen to. As I passed Nickeloden, something caught my eye. Those cartoon characters I know them.....Oh man its Babs and BUster Bunny from Tiny Toon Adventures (a cartoon I watched when I was in junior high). Remember how cool cartoons were then and how cool they were as we grew up. They tried to have story lines that carried over for days so kids would have to think and remember what happened the previous day. Have you seen stuff lately that passes as cartoons. They are commericals for products based on the cartoons, from Pokemon to Powerpuff Girls to that Yu-Gi something or other. This is what is aimed at kids anymore. Now granted there are great cartoons on Cartoon Network- but those are aimed at people our age. I've watched shows like Home Movies and Aqua Teens with a room full of little kids and they get bored instantly with it. I laugh at the jokes that I know are sailing way over their heads and then they look at me like I'm an idiot. Cartoons don't have to be high culture btu they don't have to appeal to stupidity. Now I'm not going to say that I don't mix low brow cartoons with my more high art ones

I love watching the cartoons that show up on Comedy Central sunday nights (right now Duckman, The Critic, and Dilbert- which is a great show-) and I loved 3-South on MTV which was an accurate portrayal of college dorm life, and yes I watch Family Guy and Futurama (not often though since I do own them on dvd). Hell right now as I watch this I'm watching Stripperella on Spike TV (yes it is Pamela Anderson playing a stripper/superhero. No I don't get aroused by it. Yes I'm serious. It's funnier than you'd think and its created by Stan Lee). I have a 6 hour tape of Beavis and Butthead that I watch often and love how Kevin Smith used Clerks just to bitch about pop culture. (So there's my cartoon watching credentials)

Now as I watched Tiny Toons (an act that kept me up til 7) I thought I wish I could watch this some other time. Immeadiately I thought with all the television shows coming out on dvd why can't I watch it. Why can't I get a dvd set of the Tiny Toon Adventures? Dammit I want it now. There is a website where you can vote for shows you'd like on dvd and I was just there the other week trying to push forward the release of Dinosaurs on dvd. Much better show than you remember it being. So I was thinking after my Tiny Toon proposal I want other cartoons on DVD too.........This is where the reader comes in as you can either agree or disagree with me on my cartoon want list. If you agree you can join the fight too.

The Critic is out so I cross that off and as soon as I have money I'm picking that up along with Dilbert.

I want my Duckman on DVD.....Just for the episode where he sings the song about thrusting his pelvis.

How about my Yogi Bear show fix? (And yes Matthias, Kevin, and whoever else questions me if I ever get the power to help along a Yogi Bear movie I will do it........For those who haven't heard my proposal---The Ranger decides to crack down on regulations in the park since the forest is up to possibly get a grant from the governement to provide protection from the place getting developed. Yogi does what he always does and steals a picnic basket and as he swings away The Ranger and his forces move in and arrest Yogi. Boo Boo puuls together all the Hanna Barbara characters (Huckleberry Hound, Magilla Gorilla, Snagglepuss, etc.) and they work together to bust Yogi out of jail and save their forest. It's gold really)

Thundercats- repeat I want Thundercats

I love Rugrats and religiously tuned into repeats for quite some time- until Nick started moving them to stupid hours of the day

Space Ghost: Coast to Coast is coming too so cross that off

The Spider-man series from Fox in the 90's would do nicely. For now I have the Spiderman vs. Daredevil DVD but I want full seasons.

From when I was a kid I want G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero and Transformers dammit

Ren & Stimpy isn't to much to ask. Getting that on DVD would be pure Happy Happy Joy Joy

3 more to go

Where is Animaniacs? Or the show it spun off.....I want Pinky & the Brain "Narf"
said

Which brings me lastly to Disney which is the biggest offenders at not mining their vast cartoon libraries to put out on dvd....I'm gonna say this slowly and loudly to whoever runs Disney and makes these decisions.


I promise to camp out in a parking lot of a Target or Best Buy....
I promise to pay like 100 dollars for it if I have to.......
I promise to watch it til my eyes fall out.......
I promise to pass it along to my kids who will pass it to their kids and so on so the show never dies......



Give me my damn DUCKTALES NOW....................


So where was I- oh yeah.......Most cartoons out now suck and are turning little kids into morons by not asking them to at least remember some semblance of a plot, and I want some older cartoon shows on dvd......

Feel free to agree or disagree with me......Let me know what else you want or don't want...Anything I missed I'll post
- posted by Brian @ 3/01/2004 08:45:00 PM